I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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