i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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