so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
