she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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