please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
