I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
