We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
