So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
