Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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