my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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