Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
