today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
