By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
did i just pee glitter
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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