I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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