he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Drake has all the answers
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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