I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
