I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
