Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
