Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
PANTIES FOUND
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