trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize