i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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