I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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