Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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