Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize