She said her name was "party"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
