I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
