Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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