I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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