Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
