it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
