I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
