is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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