I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
