You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
