Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
