I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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