I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
