Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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