The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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