IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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