My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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