i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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