We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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