fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
