i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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