my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
