And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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