Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
