Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
