I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
