i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was confusing and full of hummus
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
