I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
