who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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