we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
