i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
