he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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